“It’s the final count down” has just been sung in my head. It will be one week from today that I leave on a plane to Bangkok. It is my second time leaving on a big adventure and I am both excited and nervous as can be.
I have written many times, although I’m not sure how many that have been posted to this blog about my anticipate for the year ahead. I have been waiting for this moment from the second I had arrived back in Canada in 2016.
Looking at all the people around me it is hard to justify sometimes the choices that I make. All my friends whom I graduated university with are in full time jobs or continuing their studies. My parents are reaching the age of retirement. My brother and his girlfriend are both in great positions at new jobs with up and coming companies. My nana stays mainly at home with family and caretakers who help around her house. I am leaving so many people that I deeply care for and always want to be a part of my life.
I am sad because I know I will deeply miss my friends and family. I will most definitely have FMO and I know that when I come back I will feel left out and have missed out on so many experiences. I am afraid because I know that when I am feeling my lowest I may not have someone who I can speak with who understands me. I am scared that it is the wring decision and that I will get no where, learn nothing and end up broke and back home before I know it.
Yet my deep desire to explore and learn is still calling me. Something which makes me so happy takes me away from all the people that make me so happy. Maybe a sort of catch 22, I am leaving to do something which makes me happy, but also leaving those people which make me happy.
I still have many things to do and people to see. This week is going to be filled with visiting friends and family. More than normal, which makes me laugh a bit, as this would normally never happen, I want to do it but I know it will also be very emotionally exhausting. Gone are the days when you would see friends everyday at school, when plans didn’t have to be made days in advance but rather happen in the moment.
I must finalize a few details such as getting extra passport photos, unlocking my cell phone and letting my credit cards and bank know of my travels. I need to make sure my bag is packed with all the essentials in hopes that I won’t forget anything, but of course what kind of trip is it without something being left behind or forgotten. In this list also belongs a number of things which I will not accomplish like writing a blog post for every city I visited in 2016, learning how to day/swing trade on the stock market, make a full income online, create 3 new zines, get a masters degree, live in a van and have a small child.
On a more practical and inspirational note my mother reminded me to re-watch the Bangkok episode of the show The Life-sized City on TVO. Each episode showcases a local city, examining the local social and urban structure. In addition to watching the Bangkok episode we re-wated Tokyo and Paris, the show captures your desire to learn, explore and compare cultures, which gets me excited, and reminds me of why I choose this way of life.
I am nervous, scared and excited in anticipation for what I will learn. So many things to come, so much to be seen, learned and explored. I can’t wait to feel ignorant, lost and stupid because of how out of place I may feel. I hope I feel everything happy, sad, and frustrating. I hope this journey reminds me of what it is t be human, in all our fallacy and I hope I bring more back home than when I left, preferably not just the things in my backpack.